Emo-y Goodness.

You know, I find myself listening to Imogen Heap more and more these days. "Here's the day you hoped would never come." As days go on I find the general shock of everything fading and this just...mind numbing pain replacing it. I look around and no one seems to truly get it. I'm not me. I don't know how to be me anymore. Not without him. It's like this big chunk of my life was just ripped away and I have to stare at the huge gaping hole and the rubble it left behind. I can't move past this, for some fucking reason. I used to pride myself in being a person who could roll with all the punches. Have the worst done to her and still survive. But apparently that's not true. Apparently, I -am- a person that lays down and dies, and it's pretty fucking scary, but sometimes that's just exactly what I want to do. Ugh, and I get sickened with myself every time I think that way. What the fuck happened to me? I used to be in control. And now all I want to do is sit in my house and watch bad daytime TV. I think this is the longest I've gone without seeing my friends. It hurts just to go outside. I want to do something ridiculously stupid. I want to go to the one person I swore I'd never go to. The dreaded ex. Because even though I didn't roll too well with his physical punches, if I do I can have ten blissful minutes of not thinking about you. For, at most, a quarter of an hour, not everything in my whole body will hurt.
I keep bouncing between sad and furious. Who the fuck do you think you are? Leaving me? Are you serious? Because I gave you fucking everything. And now all I want to do is slam your head against a wall repeatedly in the hopes that you will motherfucking WAKE UP. Because not only is no one waiting to fuck you, no matter how much you think they are, no one in the world is going to give themselves to you like I did. No one will be as dedicated as I was. No one will put in the the time or put up with your astoundingly large bullshit. And then the sad part kind of forces itself in. I miss you. I miss you like I've never missed someone before. It's not the same just being alive and knowing you're not mine. It's the hardest thing in the world waking up in the morning and getting through the day knowing that you're never going to be there like I need you to be there. And you ruined the best friendship I ever had. You were a brother, among all things, and I can't even look at you anymore, let alone trust you. I just want you to hold me. I just want you to love me like before. Because I can't be me without you. I can't be anything without you. You left me with fucking nothing. I'm empty. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything or see anyone. And it's your fault. And you don't care. You say you do and you say you're sorry, but if you were, you would fucking stop killing me every single day. I know it's the end forever. I've said it and you've said it. But because it's the end, well....I just never ever want to get restarted.