The Perfect Guy.

My Perfect Guy

As you all probably know, (since he read it out loud to you and tied you to the chair so you couldn’t leave), Johnny Kiamie has written a blog on the perfect woman. Well, here I am, as always with my ever present rebuttal. I kind of started reading that expecting he would list preferred measurements, the color of the dye he wants his girlfriend to use (ooer, Brown Sugar #63), or that she must have at least 10 articles of clothing from Hollister and a peacoat to qualify.
Johnny Kiamie, you never cease to amaze me.
Although he was accurate and only slightly arrogant in his description (which I give him credit for – if you haven’t had a conversation with him, then you have no idea what I mean) – he actually had some valid points. Taste, humor, personality: all of these are the deciding, clinching factors on a relationship. Either way, he made the perfect girl for him, so I’m writing about the perfect guy for me. Jonny Kiamie, this blog is dedicated to you.

The Physical
Ok, so this part is pretty standard. I like to think of myself as an equal opportunity dater. You can wear guyliner, you can rock g-unit, you can wear assless chaps for all I care. I don’t like a guy based on his style. In fact, if guys have a more unique sense of style, then it just increases the appeal. I will respect a guy more for wearing pink than for being a sheep. So hair…have a Mohawk, have a mullet, I don’t really care either way. Eyes – shit brown, sky blue – not an issue. Height…well, okay, so I like them a little taller, but what girl doesn’t. I don’t want to go out with a manchild, thanks. Weight, yeah okay. Like I can talk. I can only hope that there are more guys out there that could give a care less about weight like I do, or I’m going to be pretty damn lonely.

The Metaphysical. Phwoar.
Requirements! Besides liking Pina Colodas and getting caught in the rain.
I’m sorry, you’ve gotta be funny. Mar-Mar was right – If a guy can make you laugh, he can make you do anything. There are many funny men in my life (coughJoePetitocough), so any suitor honestly has huge shoes to fill. And you know what they say about huge shoes.
Huge socks. Duh.

Taste in Music
Just have it. Like whatever music you want, because I like all music out there. I have Tchaikovsky and Aaron Copland on my iPod. I have Flo-Rida. I have Nine Inch Nails. I have Avenged Sevenfold. I have Fergie. I have Amy Winehouse. I have Eminem. I have Nas. You like it? I listen to it. So I don’t discriminate based on your playlists. All music is awesome.
Except anyone who voted for Cameltoe by Fannypack. Go die now, please.

Taste in General.
Honestly, I prefer a guy who prefers a girl who eats a cheeseburger in paradise rather than a rice cake in paradise.

Dome Size.
If you’ve got a big head – see ya. My last boyfriend, although adorable in every way and still one of my best friends, could not stop calling himself ‘the man’. Love him to death, but what a turn off. Not everything should be go big or go home. If you look in the mirror longer than I do, then just go home. They say I think I’m the shit. Well, apparently.

Knowledge is Power
If you are a mental midget, please stay away from me. I cannot stand stupid people. Some idiot asked what a blog was? I want to shank that person in the heart. With a wooden stake. You don’t have to know the quadratic formula, or the square route of pi, or the capital of Ethiopia. Just don’t be a retard. That is all I ask.

Must be Out of the Closet
And by closet, I mean the wardrobe that takes you to the magical land of Narnia. I am a nerd, I say it proudly. I play Left For Dead and SecondLife. I beat Spyro in a day. I own an old school Gameboy color and I have beat every Pokemon game to date (my favorite is Charizard. Or Dragonair.) I love Harry Potter. I love Narnia. I love Lord of the Rings. Bobo Fett is my hero. Lara Croft is hotter in game version. I stay up late and watch the anime on Adult Swim. I bought the Inuyasha and Cowboy Bebop movies. If you cannot embrace my inner nerd, then you can wholeheartedly and full on bite my squishy ass.

That’s basically it. The gist of it. Single and looking, I am taking applications in the game room. Look for the girl with the sarcastic face probably yelling at Chris Saliba. That’d be me.