The Perfect Guy.

My Perfect Guy

As you all probably know, (since he read it out loud to you and tied you to the chair so you couldn’t leave), Johnny Kiamie has written a blog on the perfect woman. Well, here I am, as always with my ever present rebuttal. I kind of started reading that expecting he would list preferred measurements, the color of the dye he wants his girlfriend to use (ooer, Brown Sugar #63), or that she must have at least 10 articles of clothing from Hollister and a peacoat to qualify.
Johnny Kiamie, you never cease to amaze me.
Although he was accurate and only slightly arrogant in his description (which I give him credit for – if you haven’t had a conversation with him, then you have no idea what I mean) – he actually had some valid points. Taste, humor, personality: all of these are the deciding, clinching factors on a relationship. Either way, he made the perfect girl for him, so I’m writing about the perfect guy for me. Jonny Kiamie, this blog is dedicated to you.

The Physical
Ok, so this part is pretty standard. I like to think of myself as an equal opportunity dater. You can wear guyliner, you can rock g-unit, you can wear assless chaps for all I care. I don’t like a guy based on his style. In fact, if guys have a more unique sense of style, then it just increases the appeal. I will respect a guy more for wearing pink than for being a sheep. So hair…have a Mohawk, have a mullet, I don’t really care either way. Eyes – shit brown, sky blue – not an issue. Height…well, okay, so I like them a little taller, but what girl doesn’t. I don’t want to go out with a manchild, thanks. Weight, yeah okay. Like I can talk. I can only hope that there are more guys out there that could give a care less about weight like I do, or I’m going to be pretty damn lonely.

The Metaphysical. Phwoar.
Requirements! Besides liking Pina Colodas and getting caught in the rain.
I’m sorry, you’ve gotta be funny. Mar-Mar was right – If a guy can make you laugh, he can make you do anything. There are many funny men in my life (coughJoePetitocough), so any suitor honestly has huge shoes to fill. And you know what they say about huge shoes.
Huge socks. Duh.

Taste in Music
Just have it. Like whatever music you want, because I like all music out there. I have Tchaikovsky and Aaron Copland on my iPod. I have Flo-Rida. I have Nine Inch Nails. I have Avenged Sevenfold. I have Fergie. I have Amy Winehouse. I have Eminem. I have Nas. You like it? I listen to it. So I don’t discriminate based on your playlists. All music is awesome.
Except anyone who voted for Cameltoe by Fannypack. Go die now, please.

Taste in General.
Honestly, I prefer a guy who prefers a girl who eats a cheeseburger in paradise rather than a rice cake in paradise.

Dome Size.
If you’ve got a big head – see ya. My last boyfriend, although adorable in every way and still one of my best friends, could not stop calling himself ‘the man’. Love him to death, but what a turn off. Not everything should be go big or go home. If you look in the mirror longer than I do, then just go home. They say I think I’m the shit. Well, apparently.

Knowledge is Power
If you are a mental midget, please stay away from me. I cannot stand stupid people. Some idiot asked what a blog was? I want to shank that person in the heart. With a wooden stake. You don’t have to know the quadratic formula, or the square route of pi, or the capital of Ethiopia. Just don’t be a retard. That is all I ask.

Must be Out of the Closet
And by closet, I mean the wardrobe that takes you to the magical land of Narnia. I am a nerd, I say it proudly. I play Left For Dead and SecondLife. I beat Spyro in a day. I own an old school Gameboy color and I have beat every Pokemon game to date (my favorite is Charizard. Or Dragonair.) I love Harry Potter. I love Narnia. I love Lord of the Rings. Bobo Fett is my hero. Lara Croft is hotter in game version. I stay up late and watch the anime on Adult Swim. I bought the Inuyasha and Cowboy Bebop movies. If you cannot embrace my inner nerd, then you can wholeheartedly and full on bite my squishy ass.

That’s basically it. The gist of it. Single and looking, I am taking applications in the game room. Look for the girl with the sarcastic face probably yelling at Chris Saliba. That’d be me.

Top Ten - Movies.

I am a chronic list maker. It is a strange little habit I have that makes me feel organized, and very falsely professional. One of my biggest loves? Film. I love all types of movies.

So here it is - my top ten.

1. The Shawshank Redemption - One of the best movies of all time. Andy Dufresne is the only innocent man in Shawshank, wrongly accused of killing his wife. It takes us to a setting that's disturbing, uses language that's raw, showcases supporting characters who are far from ideal role models, and reforms not one villain by the ending credits. It deals with sex and violence, but never in a typical way. There are numerous brutal, occasionally fatal, beatings. The whole movie is based on the idea that no matter how deep the hole, how dark the night, or how thick the walls are, there is always hope and redemption. Made me cry on more than one occasion, you have to love the revenge he has against everyone who ever did him wrong, and without using the violence his enemies were so accustomed to.

2. American Beauty - Lester Burnham, played by Kevin Spacey, became quickly one of my heroes. It is a story of his own personal rebellion - against his penny pushing wife, his jaded little teenage daughter, and his dead end job. The catalyst of the whole movie is when he becomes sexually drawn to and infatuated with Mena Suvari, his daughter's gorgeous cheerleader friend. Reverted mentally back to his teenage years, he truly defines the term "down, but not out". He starts smoking pot, buys the car of his dreams, basically tells everyone where they can shove it, and even starts working at a fast food place. Surrounded by stereotypical people, even the subplots show that under the surface, everyone's a little crazy. In the end, Lester is killed (I know, I yelled the first time I saw it). When he has all he's expected to want, he's dead inside. When he's got everything he really wants, he's dead for real.

3. Almost Famous - This movie made me be what I want to be today - a journalist. Because it plays so heavily on music, and not just music, but the BEST kind of music (classic rock, y'all), it's hard to not get drawn in. William Miller is living every kid's dream. Younger and overlooked by his peers, he approaches his favorite magazine's editor, and then, through a maze of unexpected happenings (and the help of Penny Lane), meets the band Stillwater. He goes on tour with them when Rolling Stone asks him to write a think piece on the band. Watching the movie is a high itself, even the most high up people have their problems. Even when they are literally high up, like when Russell Hammond (the rock star fixation) is on acid on a fan's rooftop, screaming "I am a golden god." Definitely one of the best movies I've ever seen, I can watch it ten times in a row and never get bored.

5. Closer - A beautiful movie filled with beautiful people and no happy ending in sight. Julia Roberts, Jude Law, Natalie Portman, and Clive Owen are the four main characters. They each portray the two sides of the coin of the perfect man and the perfect woman. Julia plays Anna - talented, beautiful, graceful, and mature, she is a photographer and nearly perfect in every aspect. Alice is played by Natalie Portman, who is spontaneous, sexy, and enthralling. The girl in high school that every boy fixated on. She is free spirited and fun, and also totally ruthless. Dan is played by Jude Law. He is sensitive, beautiful, and artistic. He's a writer and probably the most dangerous character in the whole movie. His sweet and lovable nature is almost too alluring; he is the dream man every girl secretly wishes she had. Clive Owen is his flip. He is crude and seemingly without a conscience, obsessed with sex and money. The stereotypical bad boy, he is totally irresistable. All four characters betray each other ten times over. They never cease to make you want to tear out your own hair at the extent of their own deception.

6. Sin City - Without a doubt a movie that sums up the word "cool". Starting off - it's completely in black and white, except for the occasional splash of color. Every character has their demons, and every demon is in your face. Not especially for the weak hearted, this movie shows corruption on every single level of the system. Love, sex war - all the bases are covered. A new spin on old themes, it totally hooks the viewer. You can practically feel the adrenaline rush of each of the characters.

7. V For Vendetta - If you've ever been mad at the higher power, then this movie is for you. Every mutiny, every happening of rising against - all of those feelings are bottled up in this film. With some awesome explosions to boot, the entire two hours are bordering on the line of rage and insanity. It is quite possibly the ultimate revenge movie, although not the type of revenge anybody can actually relate to.

8. Factory Girl - This might be a little biased, since I'm partial to the whole decade, but the sixties were totally where everything happened. This is a docu-film on the life of Edie Sedgewick, the famous supermodel and former it-girl. Ensnaring the senses of anyone who came close to her, she found a friend in exhibitionist and innovator, Andy Warhol. The story follows the rise and plummet of this superstar, who in the end, was left only with the love of substance, and eventually met her end.

9. Lords of Dogtown - Made me want to leave New York (OMG) and actually visit California. Can't help it that Emile Hirsch is completely stunning, hair or no hair. Kind of made me think if the Catcher in the Rye and Thirteen had a hybrid love child, and it grew up in SoCal back in the day, then this would be it. Totally loved everything about this movie - from the humor, to the cameos, to Heath Ledgers constant awesomeness on screen. I went out and bought it the day it came out on DVD.

10. Memoirs of a Geisha - First, this isn't a typical Hollywood film. Despite popular western misconceptions about Geishas, there's no sex, almost no violence and beyond that, there's nearly two and a half hours of women's problems that many men may find hard to relate to. This is about deceit, treachery and rivalries as much as it is about a little girl who gets sold into bondage by her impoverished Japanese family. Its also about a lifelong search for love in a society in which people apparently can't just step up and make frank declarations of devotion to one another.

He's Just Not That Into You

Quite possibly, the best movie I've seen in a long time. It starts out with my favorite character in the movie, Gigi, a neurotic and frantic woman on the frazzling search to find love. She is beautiful and lovable, but what someone would call too "intense" about men. Meaning - she waits by the phone and obsessed hopelessly until the semi-relationship eventually fades away. The movie starts with Gigi's date with Conor, an adorable and aspiring real estate agent who is, unfortunately, in love with someone else. They were set up when Janine and Ben gave Conor Gigi's number - he sold them the house that they are currently renovating. Conor loves Anna, a beautiful and charming singer who he slept with once but always loved, and who he seeks and exclusive relationship with. Anna won't commit, and she won't sleep with him again. After hearing from Conor when his date with Gigi is over, Anna runs into a gorgeous stranger on the checkout line at her local convenience store. Brought together by Anna's overexcited reaction to winning a cheap cooler in a grocery store giveaway, they are immidiately infatuated with each other, despite his other obligations - his wife, Janine. It is the very same Ben that has helped set up Gigi with Conor that very same night. Gigi and Janine work together, and obsess about men together, along with their other friend Beth. Beth is beautiful, independant, and in a seemingly perfect relationship with (ZOMGBENAFFLECK) Neil. There's only one problem - Neil doesn't believe in marriage. She overanalyzes and believes it's because he doesn't really love her, and it's ironic that out of all the men in the movie - the most standup guy happens to be the one who doesn't want a wife. And speaking of men who are married, Ben eventually cheats on Janine with Anna (the whole theater was yelling at this part). Gigi, tired of waiting for him, goes to meet Conor at a place he mentions that he hangs out. She manages to make a fool of herself and meet Conor's best friend, Alex. Alex is a womanizer and playboy and enlightens Gigi to the fact that Conor doesn't like her, and continues to be her source of insight throughout the movie. Gigi overanalyzes his help, too. She takes his advice on the signals about when a man is interested, and takes Alex by surprise by kissing him, under the impression that he has feelings for her. They argue and she yells at him, confronting him with all his woman-hopping bullshit. I think, in that moment, when she throws all his own inadequicies back in his face, is when he really falls for her. Meanwhile, Ben tells Janine about his affair with Anna. Janine covers how she feels well, insisting on staying with him to make the marriage work. They have a problem in their relationship - they don't have sex, and Janine blames herself. She goes to his office to fix this problem and basically, seduce him. Too bad Anna is already there and has to hang out in a closet instead of having sex with Ben herself. When Janine goes, so does Anna - she is done with Ben for good. Janine goes home and finds Ben's cigarettes and realizes he's been lying about smoking. She snaps, and leaves his belongings for him downstairs to pack when he leaves. Don't let the door hit you on the way out, Ben. Anna then pursues a relationship with Conor, the lovable neighbor that's been there all along. All this time, Anna has had a friend named Mary. She works in advertising and sets up Conor's adds in the paper. Mary is pursuing men on a whole different plane - via the internet. Myspace, Facebook, online dating - all of them are at her disposal. Flanked by her three gay confidants, Mary advises Conor, although she has never met him, on his real estate advertising strategies. Beth, now alone after leaving Neil, tired of his lack of commitment, is a bridesmaid at her baby sister's wedding. Traumatized (I mean, can you blame her?), she relies heavily on her father for support through this tough time, and when he has a heart attack the day of the wedding, it seems her world really has come crashing down. She takes care of him, without the help of the men (her sisters' husbands), who continue to cause trouble for her with meaningless tasks. One day, after thuroughly fed up with the men's ways, she finds Neil, the only unmarried man in the house, washing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen. The unmarried man is the one who is contributing. Beth realizes that she doesn't need marriage, but only needs Neil. They move back in together, because Neil has been living on his boat, frequently visited by his best friend, who just happens to be Ben. Neil proposes, realizing that all he wants to do is be with Beth. Ben is alone due to his cheating ways. Janine is discovering a life without a serious relationship and focuses on embracing herself. Anna realizes she doesn't love Conor, who is heartbroken when she turns down his invitation for them to move in together. Gigi and Alex (the cutest part of the whole movie) are together and are doing well. Beth and Neil are perfectly happy together as well, finally married, to Beth's elation. At the very end of the movie, Conor is eating lunch, unbeknownst to him that Mary is a few tables away. They have only ever talked on the phone, but Mary recognizes him from the add. She calls him and they make eye contact, obviously she is not what he expected. They eat lunch together and it is implied that they start dating after that. This movie was great, I personally loved it. All the lives are intertwined and tied together so neatly. The moral of the story- overanalyzing life stops you from living it. Underanalzying life makes you blind to what is really there. The best thing to do it just live by your instincts, trust your own feelings, and know that when he doesn't call - he's just not that into you.